Fat Girl Problems

I can't even go two hours without making myself feel like crap. I was doing so good this morning, feeling so stupidly happy, and here I am. I made the accident of looking in the mirror as I was changing and I instantly wanted to chop everything off. It all just hangs off of me and I can't help but hate myself more and more because if I had stuck with my original plan a month ago I'd be further from where I am now and I feel so disgusting. >.<

This is one of those low of the low moments. My mom is requiring my serves later, so I have to go get her and get groceries. I'm going to avoid food the rest of the day. I'll probably have a cup of coffee later.

I don't even know why I let myself get this way. The stupidity of it all is that there is this boy who likes me (at least I think he does). But he's really tall and skinny and I don't understand it because I can't even love myself so how can I expect others to love me? I can't bring myself to think I'm good enough for him so I won't let him get close enough to me.

What kind of fucked up world is in my head. -_-

Water Fast: Day Two

I stripped this morning, made sure to take off all of my jewelry and little things. Completely naked, and stepped up on that scale. It read 242 this morning. 242! I'm almost to one of my first goal weights and I couldn't be any happier. :D

I was really hungry last night as I tried to sleep. I passed out a lot earlier than usual though, so that's a plus. I was going to go to the gym this morning but I couldn't will myself out of bed and now that I have my body hurts too much. Just a big bottle of water is what is going to happen, then video games.

242!

I feel so lovely now. I hope I'm down to 240 tomorrow and then lower. If I can get below 200 before August or September then I'll be one fucking happy camper. HALLOWEEN HERE I COMEEE!!!!

Water Fast

I'm currently on a water-fast, day two in fact. It might have something to do with my hatred for food, but I am also relatively poor and have barely nothing to eat. So I'll go with the second option to make myself feel better.

It's a really nice day out. I've been working none stop for the last week, so today is one of the few days off I have in a row. I'm going to enjoy it of course by sitting inside doing absolutely nothing. How pro-active and inspirational of me, eh?

Tomorrow I'm going to the gym. I haven't been in almost a week and my muscles are bitching at me. Sleeping is becoming harder not only from the wonky schedule, but because my legs have that weird restless feeling in them, do you know what I mean? They ache, from hip to ankle, wanting me to walk and run but not providing the proper energy to do so. Just sucks.

I weighed in at 248 this morning. That is 12 pounds down from where I started last month. That's an improvement. I will admit I want it to melt off faster already. I'm tired of being obese and I have little to no patience in my bones for something like this. I hope it picks up, I hope this fast helps me out.

I created a new blog on tumblr for my thinspiration photos! The last one got deleted for the promotion of eating disorders. I won't deny that fact of course, but I think it would have been more productive and understanding of yahoo to ask the user to delete the content themselves rather than just deleting them completely. Seems rather crappy on their customer service side.

Meh, but it's called Thinspin-Please if you want to follow it. I'm being more careful about the content on it, reblogging more of the healthier looking girls with the hopes that I won't get canned. Here's hoping!